The purpose of this blog over the years has been to keep my family and friends in the loop as I chased my grandmother's story across the globe. All for one thesis... at least that is what I told myself. I always wanted to know my Oma's story, and after she died, I realized I had to chase her words on pieces of paper to find myself back to her. Her story. A sad story. An inspiring story. Her pain. Her journey back to joy. Her strength. Her legacy.
Now, years after finishing my thesis, I'm back here again. It has been rough the past couple of months... and it's been scary. It has been really scary. I think most of the fear started over a year ago, when I started seeing the research I did for my thesis happening before my eyes... Fear. Blame. Hate. Three words that in history have only led to horrible things. They were back, they are real. Did we not learn?
And then... this week. How do I explain the craziness that has been my brain this week? Tears. Lots of them. Fear. Lots of it. Frightened friends and family. Lots of them. Numbness. Lots of it. Hope. Lots of it.
It's hard for me to rationalize what has happened. I know that for some, it was just an election. They wanted change and they were able to ignore the hatred and believe that this step is a step towards a better tomorrow. I know that's why they voted this, at least I have to believe that... because I love some of these people, and because the result of their choice left a lot of us really scared. The "other" is really scared. See... I've always been the "other," I've never really been part of the "us." People around me might disagree, but it's the reality. And it was the reality for my Oma. In Germany, she was the Jew. In Uruguay, she was the German immigrant. In the U.S., I am the Uruguayan immigrant, in Uruguay I am an emigrant. That is my reality.
My reality has put me and many others in a strange place. I sound like the "us," I act like the "us," I might even look like the "us." But deep down, I know I'm not.. and the "us" knows I'm not. That is the reality for a lot of people today, in the US and abroad. This year, what voters might have written off as "one time slips of the tongue" during a heated campaign, to me and the "others" have felt like unexpected stabs in the back. Why? Because, we feel like part of the "us".... Our bubbles consider us a part of the "us," so we believe it... In reality, we should all just be an "us" right? We are all just people.... But we are no there yet in this world... maybe one day, but not today. Outside our bubble, that is just not true...
So I'm afraid... I'm afraid reading the news of hate crimes spreading through the nation the way they have many times in history. I'm afraid, because I know it's hard to understand my fear. I get it... I know it's hard to walk in someone else's shoes... They don't always fit and they are sometimes incredibly uncomfortable and painful. But these are my shoes, and I can't actually take them off.... As groups were blamed and degraded this year, I cringed and thought... no one actually thinks this way... it won't work... the fear won't work... and then I laid in bed awake thinking of these words:
"First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—
Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me."
These words have hurt... These words exist because we struggle to try on someone else's shoes. This is what happens. We listen and wait, and history happens again. So we didn't learn, and now, this is reality So what now?
I am choosing to believe that the fear campaign was just a tactic. I am choosing to believe that this too shall pass. I am choosing to believe that there is a greater plan for progress for all people in America. I am choosing to put faith in the good people of this world, the people that will fight for the universal "us." I have to believe that good will prevail.... And THAT is what brought me here to this blog and to Oma.
This world has been through such horrible times. We have seen genocides, wars, famines, and more... and our ancestors have pushed through. They fought, they worked, they believed, and they survived (physically or in spirit). They are our history. They are what teaches us how to do this. Oma is my guide. I know that my fear and situation does not come close (not by a million miles) to what she an her family went through, and I don't mean to insinuate that it does... but I know that her life, her legacy teach me the strength to deal with my shoes. Her words and the words of many who came before us, her stories, and her letters are my source of peace, Her legacy teaches me how to look at today and fight for a better tomorrow. Her legacy teaches me how to strive to treat the people around me in a way that ensures that they never feel like the "other" in my life. Her legacy teaches me to breath and chose understanding. Her memory led me here... and I think I'll be back again to make sure that I stay on this path and remind myself of her legacy. I will not stay down. The sun will rise, and so will I.
“I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love,
even when there’s no one there.
And I believe in God,
even when he is silent.
I believe through any trial,
there is always a way
But sometimes in this suffering
and hopeless despair
My heart cries for shelter,
to know someone’s there
But a voice rises within me, saying hold on
my child, I’ll give you strength,
I’ll give you hope. Just stay a little while.
I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love
even when there’s no one there
But I believe in God
even when he is silent
I believe through any trial
there is always a way.
May there someday be sunshine
May there someday be happiness
May there someday be love
May there someday be peace….”
- words from a Jewish prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp
No comments:
Post a Comment